


You Drew Stars Around My Scars

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy), Miss_Shiva_Adler



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, First Kiss, First Meetings, Introspection, Kissing, M/M, inner turmoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26734351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Shiva_Adler/pseuds/Miss_Shiva_Adler
Summary: When a meeting with a shadowhunter in a Parisian café leaves Jonathan with conflicted feelings and a kind of hope that would tear him appart from the inside out. Sebastian's kindness is nothing his training ever prepared him for.
Relationships: sebastian verlac/jonathan morgenstern
Comments: 14
Kudos: 27
Collections: September Server Scavenger Hunt 2020





	You Drew Stars Around My Scars

“Mind if I sit?”

The voice startles Jonathan out of his thoughts, and he looks at the face of the man who approached him. A moment before Jonathan was distracted, his gaze flitting about the small arrangement of cafe tables to people-watch, a need to blend in bringing with it the sudden realization that Jonathan isn’t entirely sure _how_ to blend in. All he’s ever known in recent years was Edom and Lilith and the company of the Edomai, which isn’t exactly useful in basing social interactions off of.

Mostly, however, he’s startled that the person he looks up at asked to sit here, of all places. There were a few other open chairs at single-occupant tables… open chairs by people who are not covered in poorly concealed burns, people who look, at least to Jonathan, far more inviting than he must appear.

“Of course,” Jonathan says, smiling despite his internal uncertainty. The man has a small cup of espresso and a pastry on a porcelain plate which he sets down on the table, making Jonathan suddenly that much more aware that he’s sitting at a cafe without any food or drink of his own. In fact, besides the clothing on his back, he has nothing to his name here.

That’s when he notices the black mark on the man’s neck for what it is - a rune. He’s a Shadowhunter. Jonathan’s eyes widen slightly at the realization, uncaring that the hood he has up falls farther back from his face as he shifts to sit up more intently.

“Thanks. Figures, we get one day of nice weather and you have to get here at 6 am to find an open seat,” the man says with a charming smile and a light laugh. “I’m Sebastian, by the way.”

“Jonathan,” Jonathan replies. He’s tempted to toss out the last name of ‘Morgenstern’ to see the reaction it might get, but he doesn’t. Despite the fact that this is a casual conversation he can’t shake the years of training from his father and the voice in the back of his head saying he has the advantage the longer Sebastian thinks him a mundane. He can’t help defaulting to the mindset of looking at every encounter, no matter how harmless, in terms of maintaining the upper hand.

...at least, he does at the start.

It doesn’t take long for Sebastian’s kindness to make an impact on him. It starts when Sebastian asks if Jonathan is hungry, to which Jonathan stubbornly insists that he isn't in spite of the fact that he's famished, but has no money to his name. And, in light of his sudden company, isn't about to steal or otherwise strong-arm his way into acquiring some.

"I'm fine," Jonathan insists.

"Alright," Sebastian agrees reluctantly, but with a strange look on his face, eyeing Jonathan carefully. Then, when he's only about halfway through with his pastry, he sets it down on the plate and pushes it across the table towards Jonathan. "I'm not going to finish this if you want it."

"I said I'm fine," Jonathan repeats.

Sebastian shrugs. "Alright. I'll just throw it away later, then."

Jonathan hesitates, eyeing first the pastry and then Sebastian as if it's some sort of trap, before reluctantly placing his fingertips on the edge of the plate and pulling it the rest of the way across the table to him. Sebastian smiles, and Jonathan is surprised at how pleased he is to see that smile, to be the cause of it. He can't remember the last time anything he did brought about such a genuinely pleasant reaction.

And that's the thing about Sebastian, Jonathan finds the longer they sit together and talk. He's _genuine_. Despite the burns on Jonathan's face Sebastian doesn't stare or flinch away. When Jonathan makes it known that he's new to the city Sebastian eagerly points out places to visit, foods he should try, and tips on some of the trickier pronunciations of words that might come in handy during his time here. Not once does Jonathan feel like his questions or presence are a burden.

Then Sebastian's phone rings, and he picks it up quickly after glancing down at the name on the screen. A few short, clipped answers later he's slipping it back into his pocket with an apologetic look.

"Sorry, work summons," Sebastian says, and not in the way that someone does while making up an excuse to leave. Jonathan is surprised to find that Sebastian looks about as reluctant as Jonathan feels to end their first meeting. First, Jonathan thinks, because he wants to see Sebastian again, and not just because he's the first Shadowhunter he encountered.

"Better go before you get in trouble," Jonathan says.

Sebastian hesitates. "Would you like to come back with me?"

"What?"

"I noticed you glancing at my runes," Sebastian admits. "So you have The Sight. You’re a Shadowhunter too, aren't you?"

Isn't that a question for the ages, Jonathan thinks. He doesn't have any runes to speak of, but he has Nephilim blood and the childhood training of a Shadowhunter. But he isn't, not _really,_ and laying claim to the title feels wrong.

"It's... a long story. I am Nephilim, though," he says, because it's not a lie and it's what Sebastian wants to hear. It's also what will get him access to the Institute.

"Then you'll be welcome at the Institute," Sebastian says. "And I don't want to overstep, but if you need a place to stay, being new in town and all..." he allows the offer to linger. Jonathan isn't sure he trusts being thrown directly into the middle of the Shadowhunter headquarters, but he also isn't sure what option he has until he can find a way to access some of the money he's certain his family has stored away. The Morgensterns are a prestigious family, after all, and it isn't a matter of _if_ they have family money (or at the very least heirlooms and weapons for him to trade), but _where._

"I wouldn't want to impose," Jonathan starts slowly.

"You wouldn't be," Sebastian is quick to reassure him. "There are plenty of spare rooms if you need a bed for a few days, if you’re worried about staying. And my work won't take me very long, then I could show you around."

A small part of Jonathan, the part unused to people so inherently helpful, is suspicious. What if it’s a trap, and he’s trying to lure him somewhere he can be detained?

Another part of him, a small voice tinged with hope, asks ‘what if it isn’t?’.

Jonathan nods and agrees to go.

\---

While Sebastian takes care of whatever he was called back to the Institute to do, Jonathan is allowed to look around the Ops room, trying not to appear as fascinated as he is by the technology there. He catches the fact that Sebastian asks him to open the door to the Institute, making sure he's truly Nephilim since he can't see any runes. While Jonathan knows it's a test of sorts, he can't blame him, and he does appreciate that so far Sebastian hasn't interrogated him too much on his family background.

There are people keeping an eye on him, he notes, but it isn't very suspicious when he pulls up notes on Clarissa Fairchild because a lot of people are curious about her these days. His eyes linger on a few surveillance photos, taking in the runes on her skin, the hair that matches their mother's, some notes on high school and art programs and connections to the werewolves and vampires, and that's just on a surface glance. He allows himself to imagine, just for a moment, a life where they grew up together, both in Idris instead of both pulled away from each other and the destiny of their family name.

Jonathan makes sure to look at other things as well, some weapons mounted on the walls, relics of days past, of families with legacies and reputations. He catches the end of a debriefing about an encounter with a vampire fledgling and a run-down of scheduled patrols for another group. It’s all so casual, the routine of it all, and Jonathan wonders what his life might have been if he were left to grow and learn with his peers, to patrol and train and properly hone his inherently heightened abilities.

He’s broken from his daydreams of a normal Shadowhunter existence by the sound of an increasingly familiar voice.

"Sorry, that took longer than I planned. Hope you weren't too bored," Sebastian says upon his return.

Jonathan manages to pull his eyes away from the screen - away from Clary.

"No, I managed to keep busy," he says. “It’s fascinating here.”

Sebastian laughs. “Well, if you were impressed by the common areas, wait until you see the rest of the place.”

Jonathan gets a full tour, at least of the main areas of the building with general access, ending with a proper meal in the cafeteria which Jonathan warily accepts. He isn’t sure how long this charity will last, how long before he has to venture out on his own again, but he knows that nothing is truly free and wonders what might be asked of him in return for this hospitality.

After they eat Sebastian shows Jonathan to the room they set aside for him to stay in. It has the basics, everything neat and uniform. It feels too sterile, but it’s better than nothing.

“Thank you,” Jonathan says, and means it. He might not thank the Nephilim at large but he has no issue thanking Sebastian after the personal kindness offered to him that day.

“You’re welcome,” Sebastian replies easily.

Jonathan turns then, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror on the wall and can’t hide the wince at his own appearance. He pauses to stare at his reflection before looking away, only to find Sebastian looking as well.

“May I ask… and don’t hesitate to tell me to piss off if I’m being too forward-” Sebastian starts, and the abruptness of that statement forces a surprised laugh out of Jonathan, some of the tension easing from his body in the process. “Why didn’t you iratze them away?”

Sebastian doesn’t have to say what ‘them’ refers to, and Jonathan’s eyes trail back to the burns, one of his many constant reminders of Lilith's _love_.

"I wasn't allowed," Jonathan admits. He hates them for obvious reasons, but it didn't matter much when he was alone in Edom with only Lilith to see them. But now that he's here, enduring the stares of strangers everywhere he turns, he realizes exactly how much of a punishment they truly are. He wonders if she planned this, foresaw this potential future, and made sure he would find no love, no acceptance, anywhere but with her.

Sebastian sucks in a breath at that but says nothing, only nods.

"I didn't have a traditional Shadowhunter upbringing. I was sent away from Idris before I could have any formal training, I'm afraid I don't even have a stele." Jonathan chooses his words carefully. He knows the danger of weaving so many lies that one gets caught up in them. Half-truths are always best, and if he wants anyone here to trust him enough to get what he needs from them, he has to tell them _something_ to explain showing up, burned and unmarked, without so much as a stele to his name.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian says finally.

Jonathan huffs out a derisive, bitter laugh. "You and me both," he mutters.

This should be when Sebastian leaves. Things got too heavy, too personal, and Jonathan waits for the inevitable excuse to leave him here, alone again, and likely avoid him the best he can in the upcoming days. Except that isn't what happens. Sebastian doesn't move, not for a very long time, despite the silence that falls between them. And when he does speak again, it isn't with an excuse to leave.

"Would you like one?" Sebastian offers and clarifies at Jonathan's confused expression. "A healing rune? I'm not sure how much good it'll do something that old. If it doesn’t work I can see about getting you a potion from the Institute's warlock contact tomorrow, too, but..." Sebastian trails off, waiting for Jonathan's answer.

Jonathan doesn't have an answer right away. The offer catches him by surprise, the level of care and concern behind it not something he expected from anyone here. Sebastian reads his silence as hurt and adds, "Not that you need it. There's nothing wrong with the way you look now."

"It's fine," Jonathan says before the poor boy can dig himself a deeper hole. "And yes," he adds before he can change his mind.

"Good," Sebastian breathes out, visibly relieved. "Where do you want it?"

Jonathan's mind immediately recalls the images of Clary he saw earlier, the iratze visible on the side of her neck as if someone gently pulled her hair back and applied it while she was lying on her side, sleeping. He imagines someone doing it with tender care, and then imagines himself leaning over her, hands gently tracing the pattern of the healing rune over the sensitive skin of her neck.

"Here," he says, pointing to the same spot. He looks down at Sebastian's hands, already pulling his stele out of his pocket and holding it loosely between his fingertips. His skin looks soft, too, and Jonathan is struck with the sudden certainty that his own iratze will be placed with nothing but care - a certainty that takes him back a little, though he doesn't show it.

Sebastian steps closer as Jonathan tilts his head to the side, exposing his neck, watching Sebastian lift the stele up and bring it down towards his skin. "Wait," Jonathan says suddenly, and Sebastian freezes. "Draw it this way," Jonathan says, reaching up to place his hand over Sebastian’s, bringing the tip of the stele down so the top would start by his collarbone and move up his neck, inverted from the one he saw on his sister.

"Of course," Sebastian says, nodding once before pressing the stele fully against Jonathan’s skin.

It burns, but nothing worse than he’s suffered before, though he flinches instinctively at the sting of it. Sebastian whispers a soft, “sorry” as he continues, but doesn’t stop, finishing the mark with the practiced ease of someone who’s drawn this same symbol more times than he can count. When he’s done he gently blows cool air over it.

The brush of breath catches Jonathan by surprise, sending the skin around the mark up in goosebumps, a small shiver running down his spine. Jonathan tilts his head up slightly to look into Sebastian’s blue eyes, stunned for a moment by this impulsive act of tenderness. He hasn’t known a gentle touch once in all his years, at least none he has a conscious memory of. Sebastian brings a hand up to rest gently over the burns, cupping the side of Jonathan’s face, before he realizes what he’s doing.

“Sorry,” Sebastian says again, but for a different reason this time.

“Don’t be.” Jonathan doesn’t move back, close enough that Sebastian barely needs to tilt his head down to close the distance between their lips. The tingling sensation of lips pressed against his, the occasional drag of teeth, a probing tongue, all work in tandem with the sensation of the burns on his face partially healing from this first iratze. It’s a lot.

It’s too much.

Jonathan freezes, no longer kissing Sebastian back as his entire body grows too overwhelmed to function properly, not used to feeling so much all at once, or even at all.

“Are you alright?” Sebastian asks, taking a step back at the sudden lack of response. “Do you want to stop?”

Jonathan doesn’t want to stop, but he doesn’t know what to do with the thought of continuing either. His mind seems to seize with indecision, not quite sure how to articulate the overwhelming thoughts and uncertainties that pulled him out of the moment so abruptly.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Sebastian says, reading into the silence.

“You didn’t,” Jonathan manages. “I’m not upset. You’re… very kind.” Jonathan means it sincerely, as a compliment, as an _explanation_ that doesn’t quite hit the mark.

Sebastian smiles, but it’s rueful. “Perhaps a bit too kind,” he says, half to himself and half to Jonathan. “I should let you get some rest. If there’s anything you need, feel free to ask.”

And just like that, he’s gone, and Jonathan’s alone again, left tingling with new sensations and plenty of time to process all of them now.

\---

Sebastian gives Jonathan space. Neither of them brings the kiss back up. They do speak, but always in the presence of others, and always with a slight hint of underlying tension. Jonathan finds an apartment to stay in to mostly avoid the prying eyes of the Institute, but he does stop in under the guise of visiting Sebastian in order to watch and learn, accessing the records he needs by telling anyone who will listen how eager he is to learn enough to be useful in their cause. The Nephilim love their sense of bound duty.

Jonathan finds out more about his mother and sister, more about his father’s recent activities, and manages to acquire a stele and several weapons for himself. He also learns more about Sebastian, who has a cousin named Aline who happens to be good family friends of the Lightwoods. Sebastian, who is set to do a travel year soon, and is considering New York. Sebastian, who is still so unfailingly kind to Jonathan despite what many might call an uncomfortable beginning to their friendship. The beginnings of a plan take form in Jonathan’s mind, but he needs to be closer to Sebastian first.

Something tells him it won’t be difficult.

It isn’t.

"Seb?" Jonathan asks after breakfast during his second week in the city. "Can we talk for a minute, in private?"

Sebastian nods, and they go back to his room.

"About what happened last week, when we kissed," Jonathan starts, and though Sebastian looks like he wants to interject he doesn't, only nods and waits. " I'm not used to-" No, he doesn't like that phrasing. "It caught me by surprise. But I'd like to try again if you're still interested." Jonathan knows that he is, he's seen the looks Sebastian gives him when he thinks Jonathan isn't paying attention. He also knows Sebastian’s too kind to bring it up again, too kind to do anything but stand resignedly back and give Jonathan as much distance as he wants. All Jonathan has to do is make it clear he doesn't want _any_ distance anymore.

"Are you sure?" Sebastian asks.

Instead of answering Jonathan takes a step closer and leans up slightly onto his toes to kiss Sebastian. When he pulls back again Sebastian is grinning.

"Pretty sure," Jonathan confirms, smiling back.

After how well they seemed to click the first day they met, picking up from where they left off to get Sebastian to fall for him is easy - but so is falling for Sebastian in return, which was never part of the plan.

Jonathan can hardly help himself. He basks in the careful attention Sebastian pays him while they’re together, the way he reads Jonathan’s body to anticipate his needs before Jonathan even realizes he has them, the way he never treats Jonathan like he’s less for the things he doesn’t know or never learned. With every day that passes Jonathan waits for the other shoe to drop. The only love he’s ever known has always come at a price - surely Sebastian will demand something of him in return for his kindness? Or, perhaps, his attention will turn cold and demanding, possessive in the ways Jonathan is used to being controlled by those who want what’s best for him.

That never happens. The inevitable moment he anticipates that would allow him to detach, to distance himself and make the difficult decisions he needs to make now, never happens. Instead, he only grows more and more fond of his first and only true friend here, his companion and confidant, and by the end of their third week together, his lover.

Sebastian is the only good thing Jonathan’s ever had… if only there were a way for him to keep it that way.

\---

The only relationships Jonathan’s ever known have been ones where nothing is done without needing something in return. The only thing that’s different about this one is that he’s the one who needs something this time.

The past weeks Jonathan’s encouraged Sebastian to put in for the travel time to go to New York, which is set to start in a few days. Jonathan knows he can’t show up there with the hole-filled background he managed here.

They’re laying side-by-side in the bed of Jonathan’s apartment, covers gathered messily around their stomachs, with Jonathan’s hand reaching into the space between them to hold Sebastian’s, rubbing small circles onto the back of it in the silence while he gathers his thoughts.

“Sebastian?” Jonathan asks, his voice soft and low.

“Yeah?” Sebastian replies, shifting slightly closer.

“I need your help with something in New York,” Jonathan says. “A favor.”

He knows it’s a risk, but if he can convince Sebastian to go along with his plan, to work _with_ him, then Jonathan won’t have to leave. Nothing will have to change between them.

“Anything,” Sebastian says, in that easy way one agrees to someone they trust, someone they care for enough to do, well, anything for.

“I need you to help me get to Valentine Morgenstern.”

Sebastian’s grip tightens, his entire body tensing beside Jonathan.

“You mean, like, get assigned to look for him?” Sebastian asks, but Jonathan can tell he doesn’t believe that’s what he means at all.

“I mean _I_ need to find him. Before the Clave. I promise I’ll protect you, but I need to know you’ll help me, and not tell a soul what we’re doing.”

It’s a lot to ask. For a few moments of tense silence the fact that Sebastian hasn’t outright said no gives Jonathan hope. Perhaps Sebastian’s loyalty to him is enough to take this risk for him. _With_ him.

“You know I can’t-” Sebastian finally starts to say, and at once that hope is gone. Anything he says after this will be tinged with too much doubt for Jonathan to allow, but he listens anyway, taking in the slight tremor to Sebastian’s words, noting the way he pulls his hand away, preparing to move, to leave. “-but if we ask the right people, once he’s in custody perhaps-”

“Oh, Sebastian,” Jonathan says with a sigh. He thought Sebastian _was_ the right person, and the disappointment he feels being proven wrong stings more than he anticipated.

Sebastian removes his hand entirely now, but Jonathan doesn’t panic. He chose his apartment for a reason, prepared the doors and windows with locking runes to buy himself time. Sebastian is held up at the door, naked and unarmed, long enough for Jonathan to use his activated speed and strength runes to get the upper hand, using pressure points to bring Sebastian to unconsciousness.

“So disappointing, my love,” he says, just before Sebastian passes out.

He shouts into the silence, standing and raising a fist to punch the wall beside him. He refuses to allow himself to cry even though Jonathan feels as if he’s lost more in this one moment than he even realized he had.

\---

Jonathan looks down at Sebastian’s unconscious body and sighs. He knows what he should do because it’s what he should’ve done from the start.

He should kill Sebastian.

He knows enough about Sebastian to manage in a new city around people who don’t know him at all. He knows enough to get by with a glamor and whatever personal effects he can take from here to New York. Killing him now would mean less loose ends and less of a risk overall. Sebastian couldn’t be what he needed, and exacting his revenge on his father has to come first. Anyone who stands in the way of that should be expendable.

Except this isn’t just anyone. It’s Sebastian, and whether he likes it or not Jonathan grew too close to him too quickly during their time together in Paris. He has feelings for him, as annoying as they currently are, aren’t something he can simply turn off the way he’s used to - and he’s tried, time and time again.

He can hear the voices of Valentine and Lilith in the back of his head calling him weak and worthless, reminding him of what he has to lose. It’s the love that Sebastian showed him, the love that they never did, which allows him to ignore them.

For the first time in his entire life, Jonathan allows himself to follow his heart just a little and keeps Sebastian alive.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find Elle on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )
> 
> (Find Shiva on [Tumblr](https://miss-shiva-adler.tumblr.com/) and also on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/__Deidei__)! <3 )


End file.
